Time of Discovery

So, I have a confession to make.

Something’s been eroding away my confidence and happiness lately. The thoughts that have been filling my mind aren’t friendly–they are filled with fear. Anxiety. Confusion. Guilt. Each thought desperately tries to sabotage my progress by whispering words of doubt in my ear.

What is the source of this stress?

Graduating college.

It’s thrown me for a loop.

I’ve always centered my life around my education and I’m having a hard time coming to grips that it’s all finished. I devoted 110% of myself into my schoolwork; my summa cum laude degree on the wall proves that. People assume I’m going to continue my education with a Master’s or PhD, but I don’t want to go back. I’m done. Burned out.

It’s time to live in the real world, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

I feel guilty when my classmates and peers post online about already having jobs…while I’m still looking and applying like mad. I know it’s only been 2 months since I graduated, but I feel like it’s been longer. I don’t want to be a burden to my parents. I don’t want to have to rely on them; they’ve already provided me with so much.

So I guess it’s safe to say, I’m in that post-college, “what-now?” phase of life and it’s a lot harder than I imagined. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m thankful to have a science degree to allow me to have more job opportunities, and thankful I have no student loans to pay off, but I’m at a stand-still with what I want my life to become. I have to realize that it’s okay not to know RIGHT NOW.

But, I do know a few things…

I have dreams. Big dreams. I want to make a mark on the world. I want my life to have meaning and impact.

I love weightlifting, the gym, and bodybuilding.

I love the outdoors and hiking.

I love nutrition and fueling my body as an athlete.

I love meeting new people and seeing new cultures.

I love traveling.

I love animals of all shapes and sizes.

I love fighter jets.

I love biology and taxonomy.

I love writing.

I love Egyptology.

I love photography, even if I’m not the best at it. 😉

I love reading and learning new things.

I know what I like and what I don’t like. These dreams make me who I am. In the past, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing what I love for fear of mockery or judgment. But that’s the past and I like the person I’ve become. So, it’s not a matter of finding myself or passion, it’s more like…the difficulty of deciding which passion to pursue.

I’m thankful for my parents for allowing me to have this time to think and pray. I know God has a plan for my future and I’m excited to see what that entails, but sometimes I get impatient. I want it to happen on my timeline, but I have to have faith that He is in control. I know I’ll make mistakes along the way, but I’ll get back to the path and plan He’s set in place.

I want to live my best life.

So although I don’t know what I want to do right now, I’m excited to see what unfolds.

Life isn’t a race. It’s about finding yourself, being imperfect, embracing the confusion, channeling stress into something productive.

This post is all over the place, but basically, my plan of action for this confusing phase of life is to #1 keep praying and trusting God #2 travel as much as possible to learn more about myself #3 continue applying to jobs and #4 RELAX. And until this phase is over, I’ll use my present actions as a weapon against my anxious thoughts about the future.

It’s time for me to embrace the now and relish this time of discovery.